Sequels and Remakes: '80s TV Edition

I am finally doing another post on sequels and remakes, for the first post on Disney cartoons, see here. There are countless movies in recent years that are remakes of TV series from the past. When I came up with the idea for this post last year, I wanted to do one on The A-Team, unfortunately there is a movie in production that is a remake of the series. This is my take on some remakes that could be made.

10- Night Court This movie is different from the TV series in that it is no longer a straight forward comedy, but a gritty ironic comedy that follows the lives of the people that work in the court, as well as people arraigned in the court. There are many gritty scenes that make you feel sorry for the people involved.



9- Cheers Modern movie producers have decided that an ex alcoholic who owns a bar was too depressing, as was the location of Boston. They decided to move the scenery bar to LA. The patrons are far from the working class schlubs in the TV series, now the clientele consist of music producers, people in the movie industry and models. Sam's favorite come on is that he is a casting director who can help actresses with their career. Sam readily drinks, but never appears drunk. The bar maids are no longer surly like Carla, but are extremely attractive. There are many gross out jokes and sexual humor.

8- Perfect Strangers The foreigner Balki Bartokamous is portrayed in a much more offensive manner (picture Borat). His cousin is portrayed as an equally offensive flamboyant gay man. Do not watch this film unless you appreciate truly tasteless movies.




7- Alf This movie turns the sci-fi/comedy into a sci-fi/horror/comedy. Initially the furry protagonist doesn't harm the family that takes him in, but neighborhood cats keep being found mutilated. Talks of the chupacabra abound. The family doesn't suspect a thing until their nosy neighbors start being found disemboweled. Alf finally attacks the family who took him in. And only the young boy of the family is able to survive. He does so by destroying the beast, who will only regenerate and come back for countless sequels. Look for tons of ironic pop cultural references.

6- The Facts of Life A musical adaptation of the sitcom. Produced by Disney with the attempt to ride on the coattails of High School Musical. All of the students at the all girls school are attractive. There is no overweight Natalie, or a tomboyish Jo, Tootie doesn't have braces, and even Mrs. Garrett is pretty attractive. The same jokes are made, though they no longer make sense. No lessons are learned, except through song. Everyone is happy and enjoys each others' company.

5- WKRP in Cincinnati Attempting for an accurate portrayal of the goings on at a modern radio station. Unfortunately many things have changed. There are only three DJs, a news director, a station manager, and a receptionist. Most of the sexual innuendos toward the receptionist have been done away with, so that no one will have sexual harassment charges filed against them, and the DJs are only in for a few hours a piece on Monday to record their filler which is added to computer generated playlists. The one on air personality who is in daily is the news director, who is in for one hour per day to record news snippets.

4- Magnum PI The remake of this classic show is played for ironic humor and has Will Ferrell cast in the leading role. Many jokes are made pertaining to Magnum's hairy chest, with Will wearing a gorilla suit in several scenes. It's the traditional slapstick fare that will only appeal to those with an IQ below 70, with most jokes made just on the differences in style between the 1980s and today.



3- Small Wonder The movie adaptation of this 1980's gem has a scientist creating a little girl robot not to have a daughter for his family, but creating a vicious man killing robot to entrap and kill internet predators. He implants a number of weapons in her including: heat vision, electric touch, and incredible robot strength. The movie is a combination of Bionic Woman and Hard Candy. She is destroyed at the end, but is restored in countless sequels.

2- Bosom Buddies In the film adaptation Kip and Henry decide to move into a women's only apartment building, by dressing and posing as women in order to live there. The similarities to the TV show end there, as they've turned it into a gross out comedy in order to make bank at the box office. Look for Kip and Henry to be trapped in areas with women who are doing the most disgusting stuff: big women who have explosive diarrhea, bodily fluids abound, and maybe even some menstrual humor.


1-Dallas: Who Really Shot JR? Dallas was the quintessential 1980s Prime Time Soap Opera, and Who Shot JR? was the ultimate cliffhanger for the series. In the remake of the series for the big screen a new plot is thrown in. In the movie, JR is given the chance to either be killed or for his brother to be killed. This option is given to him by Frank from Donnie Darko, who we now discover is a time lord and incarnation of the elder god Yog Sothoth. The movie runs like an ironic It's A Wonderful Life with JR deciding that it's no big choice for Bobby to die in his place. It then comes out that the Yog Sothoth will allow Bobby to live, and that it will only appear to be a dream. No lessons are learned in this big screen adaptation.


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Heavy Band 001: Guns 'N' Roses

I'm going to start trying to post a blog on every Saturday about a Heavy Metal/Hard Rock Band.

The first band that I've chosen to feature is Guns N Roses. Once I started listening to GNR I realized that I could never listen to Bon Jovi again. I saw the commercial for 1988's Dirty Hairy: Dead Pool. It featured GNR's Welcome to the Jungle, one of the heaviest songs of all time. I purchased the album Appetite for Destruction soon after. It's So Easy has perhaps the hardest rocking intro of any songs on the album. The intro is reminiscent of Judas Priest's intro to Rapid Fire with it's driving guitar section. Mister Brownstone is just an awesome track with the raunch of Nazareth (aside from Love Hurts). Far from Nirvana being the end of Hair/Butt Metal, this album made savage wounds that allowed Nevermind to make the killing shot.
Though GNR constantly changed lineups, even in the old days, I cannot bring myself to listen to Axl's new incarnations of what was an awesome band. I like GNR best when Slash, Izzy, and Duff were in the line up.
GNR followed up the huge success that was with Appetite for Destruction with GN'R Lies. The first half of GN'R Lies consisted of a live EP that was released prior to Appetite for Destruction. The album opens with the speedy, driven Reckless Life. Reckless Life is the seminal song for early GNR, showing influences of Aerosmith. This influence is also seen in their cover of Mama Kin on the end of the first side. The second side of the album begins with the acoustic ballad Patience, and ended with perhaps GNR's most controversial song of all time. One in a Million offends so many people with it's xenophobic, racist, and homophobic lyrics. Axl Rose insisted that the song was to be taken ironically, and that he wrote it because of anger that he felt towards specific individuals.
GNR followed Lies with the ambitious double album Use Your Illusion parts 1&2. These albums showed much more blues influence, as is seen in the tracks Dust N' Bones, Shotgun Blues, 14 Years, and Bad Obsession. The album also shows folk music influences on the songs You Ain't the First and Civil War. These albums have the most eclectic sound of any of GNR's, with songs that could be played in a smoky bar, and others that you could only see being played in a packed stadium.
The final GNR album with the classic lineup was The Spaghetti Incident, an album of all cover songs that shows many of their influences. The genres covered on the album include punk, raunchy hard rock, hardcore, glam rock, and even a tune by Charles Manson.
After The Spaghetti Incident, the classic lineup fell apart. Axl Rose took 15 years to write Chinese Democracy, with an indistinguishable band. Most of the other band members united with Scott Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots to form Velvet Revolver. Though all parts make decent music, they have yet to make music that captures the same kind of energy that they were able to capture in the late '80s and early '90s.

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13 Draculas

Dracula is the most portrayed fictional character in the history of film. Based only in name upon a 15th century prince, the character was created by Bram Stoker for his novel Dracula. Every actor to play him has further influenced our image of him. Here are thirteen men that have taken on the Dracula name.

1) Béla LugosiMost Iconic Dracula

Bela Lugosi's portrayal of Dracula in the 1931 film directed by Tod Browning influenced what most American's think of when they think of Dracula or vampires in general. He honed his portrayal on the stage in the Broadway production of Hamilton Deane's play Dracula. It is his Hungarian accent that we think of with "I vant to suck your blood." It is his portrayal that influenced the creation of the Sesame Street Muppet Count von Count. It is Lugosi's portrayal that all others think of when they prepare to play the Count. It was his portrayal that was thought of when the post punk band Bauhaus wrote Bela Lugosi's Dead.

2) Christopher LeeMost Prolific Dracula

Christopher Lee has portrayed Dracula more than any other actor. He portrayed the count in at least 10 films between 1958's Dracula and 1973's The Satanic Rites of Dracula. Most of the films were produced by Hammer Films, and he is the second most thought of actor in the role after Bela Lugosi.

3) Gary OldmanCoolest Dracula
or
Most Bad Ass Dracula

1992 saw the release of Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula. One of the best portraits of Dracula comes from this film. Gary Oldman was perfect as both the aged Dracula in his castle and the young Dracula, prior to becoming a vampire and after feeding in London. As the young Dracula, he is the coolest; as the aged Dracula he is the most bad ass.

4) Frank LangellaSexiest Dracula
or
Most Disco Dracula

In 1977 a revival of Hamilton Deane's Dracula opened on Broadway with sets and costumes by Edward Gorey. Frank Langella was cast in the lead role of Dracula. Two years later he starred in a film version, and the steamiest Dracula was born. Langella has refused to portray a vampire in any of the films that he has made since, in order that he not be typecast. Thankfully for us he made this movie.

5)John CarradineMost Waspy Dracula

The 1945 film House of Dracula features John Carradine in the most waspy portrayal of Dracula ever. Carradine's portrayal is noteworthy, because it is the most emotionless.

6) Udo KierCreepiest Dracula

Released in 1974 Blood for Dracula is also sometimes known as Andy Warhol's Dracula, because he produced the film. Blood for Dracula was written and directed by Paul Morrissey, who did most of Andy's films. In the movie, Dracula needs to find a virgin to feed from in order to grow younger. Though the film isn't the best Dracula movie, Udo Kier's performance is the creepiest of any Dracula.

7) Gerard ButlerMost Heretical Dracula

In 2000 the film Dracula 2000 was released and it bombed. A then unknown Gerard Butler starred as Dracula, and most of the other actors in the film weren't known at the time, but have become stars since. The reason that this Dracula is the most heretical is that he is also Judas Iscariot, the betrayer of Christ.

8) Zandor VorkovCheesiest Dracula

In the mid 90s I ran across this movie on late night TV. Released in 1971 Dracula vs. Frankenstein is important in the history of horror movies in that it was the final film Lon Chaney Jr. starred in. The movie is sincere in its attempts to scare but is funny instead, which is why it is cheesy. The movie wasn't produced by, but was distributed by Troma, the masters of schlock. Dracula doesn't appear until midway through the movie. When he does appear he is portrayed by Zandor Vorkov, who looks like Dracula if he were portrayed by Phil Lynott from Thin Lizzy.

9) Jack PalanceMost Intimidating Dracula

In 1973 Jack Palance starred in a made for TV movie Dracula. The movie incorporated elements of Radu Florescu's research into the real Dracula to the story from Bram Stoker's novel. Palance brought a very intimidating presence to the role, as he did to every role that he played.

10) Leslie NielsenFunniest Dracula

In 1995 Mel Brooks released his take on Dracula with Dracula:Dead and Loving it. In addition to being the funniest Dracula movie to date, it actually was pretty close to the book. In fact, this movie was closer to Bram Stoker's original story than 99% of the movies that have been made.

11) George HamiltonTannest Dracula

Dracula is supposed to be swarthy. George Hamilton isn't swarthy, just over tan and waspy. In the movie Love at First Bite he portrayed the bloodthirsty Count in the campiest offering ever. Released in 1979 I remember this film as a staple of late night movies in the 80s and 90s. Since the humor was intended, it can't be considered cheesy. Though this movie was somewhat funny, it was not the laugh riot that Dracula:Dead and Loving it was.

12) Raúl JuliáCoolest Unseen Dracula

In 1978 Raul Julia replaced Frank Langella in the Broadway production of Dracula. Though he never played the Count in movies or on TV, I think he probably made an excellent Dracula on stage and that he would have been excellent in a movie.

13) Vlad ŢepeşMost Real Dracula

Bram Stoker's inspiration for his bloodthirsty count was taken from the Romanian legendary hero. Only in Romania would they have this man as a national hero. Nicolae Ceausescu took the research done by Radu Florescu and Raymond McNally and twisted it into a propaganda that glorified the violent medieval prince. It made Ceausescu seem a little less wicked to be compared to such a "hero". The name Dracula is Romanian for "son of Dracul(Dragon)". This was due to his father being a member of the medieval order of the Dragon, a society pledged to guard the Holy Roman Emperor. Dracula's father sent him to be held by the Ottoman Emperor as collateral. It was a cruel age he lived in and he was perfectly suited to it.

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A comic I did in Seattle about centering. To me the most important aspect of yoga practice.

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13 yoga skeletons:39=13+13+13

This is my 13th yoga skeleton, I am now 1/4 of the way toward my goal. Once I reach 52 yoga skeletons, I will redo the ones that I am not happy with in a new medium. 52 is an important number. There are 52 weeks in the year, and 52 years in the Maya long count calendar before the lunar and solar calendars would sync up. 13 is also my lucky number. 39 is a multiple of 13, as is 52. this is my 39th post over all.

Uttana Padasana
(extended leg pose)

previous 12 yoga skeletons
































yoga skeletons

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Yoga Skeleton 12: w/ commentary on LA Ink

Yoga Skeleton XII:

BakasanaCrane Pose

This yoga skeleton I did a little different. Instead of inking the shading I used the shading from when I drew it w/ pencil. Maybe when I redo it I'll ink instead.
This is the first pose that I've drawn that I can't do now. In the past I could... In the future I will... but now I can't.

LA Ink 2009

I've DVRed LA Ink in the past, but I think I may stop. I was more than happy when Pixie was kicked off. She annoyed the piss out of me. She was like a tattooed Urkel with boobs to coast the show along, though she had no talent and was generally crappy to watch.
What irritated me w/ last week's premier of season 4 was the dismissals of Hannah Aitchison and Kim Saigh. Okay, it was only really that Kim Saigh was no longer going to be on the show. I guess that neither of them provided the drama that was needed to propel the show into the publicity that was needed for a TLC show. Now that Jon and Kate + Hate has all of the country's papers burning with hot headlines LA Ink needs to spice it up a little. I liked both of their ink art, but Kim, with her love of Heavy Meatal and Yoga got my blood boiling.
Not sure if I'll continue to DVR it.

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Yoga Skeleton 11: Confessions of a Heavy Metal Yogi, now with more MJ

Urdhva Mukha Svanasana
Upward Facing Dog Pose

Yoga

Lately I've been achieving the Heavy Metal side of my moniker, but not the yogi portion. I've been stressing out, and having problems falling and staying asleep. I was drinking coffee and beer daily. The coffee before work, the beer after. Usually 16-32 oz black coffee and 1-2 tall boys ~24-48 oz beer. I haven't been doing any kind of regular yoga practice and have been medicating instead of meditating. I was walking to work, but this week that didn't pan out. A couple of weeks ago I did give up beef, and this week I hadn't had any coffee or beer until tonight when I had a couple of bottles of beer =24 oz. I have had a lot on my plate lately, and it would probably help if I could get into a regular practice.

Rock'n'Roll

Michael Jackson died last week and I am so sick of the media coverage. The bands whose videos I've looked up on youtube in the past week include Pantera, Scorpions, Megadeth, Otep, Queens of the Stone Age, Tool, Primus, Melon Galia, Melissa Auf Der Maur, Smashing Pumpkins, Alice in Chains, They Might Be Giants, Soundgarden, Black Sabbath, Mudvayne, Sepultura, and Guns'n'Roses. After each video finished playing I was given suggestions of Michael Jackson songs. Normally the suggestions would be the same band or a band in a similar vein, but every suggestion like this was paired with a Michael Jackson video. Don't get me wrong, I have a copy of Thriller on vinly from ~26 years ago, and once in a blue moon I will get drunk and play a song or two from it, but the last thing that I want to listen to after Good Friends and a Bottle of Pills or Man in the Box is Remember the Time or Ben.
Is Neverland going to become his Graceland, with people making pilgrimages to honor him? At least there will be amusement park rides and a zoo, so much more to offer than Elvis' pad. It's sick whatever way you look at it. If kids were molested there, the place has so much bad karma. If kids weren't molested there, it was still the house of someone whose life was so tormented that he chose to live in a dreamland.
I hope the coverage ends soon.

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Web Soup? Ugh!

I enjoy watching The Soup on E! and I used to enjoy Talk Soup when it was on. I even enjoy watching the web videos on G4's Attack of the Show. You would think that I would like G4's Web Soup, but I don't. Hosted by Chris Hardwick, 3/4 of the videos shown aren't even slightly funny. Most of the remaining 1/4 videos that are funny have either already been on The Soup or Attack of the Show. The jokes after the clips aren't funny either. They really seem to have missed the mark on this one. There's a lot more funny stuff out there, they just aren't searching hard enough. For example, they showed a commercial of a Neti pot. It was just a normal Neti pot commercial, ha ha. I think that they should have shown this video instead. It features the guy who writes Toothpaste for Dinner doing routine nasal irrigation, then coffee, and finally whiskey. It is truly funny. It would have been a much funnier addition to the show than the Neti commercial. I think I'll stop DVRing Web Soup.

As a side note I use a neti pot, and find that it helps me sleep at night. I breathe clearer.
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RIP K. Pattabhi Jois 1915-2009

Last month the yoga world lost a giant. Being a practitioner of Ashtanga Yoga, I am in a great debt to him. I was never able to make it to Mysore myself, but hopefully will someday to study under his grandson Sharath.

While I was in Seattle, a couple of days before he died, I had a dream. In the dream I was living in an ashram somewhere in the forest in Washington or Oregon. I was gardening and sweeping and doing Ashtanga Yoga. The instructor was K. Pattabhi Jois. This was the first time that I had a dream with him in it, and it was a day or two before he died. It was a very odd coincidence. I wish I had had a chance to know him.



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Yoga Skeleton 10

I haven't posted in almost 2 months. It has been a crazy couple of months. Starting with a few weeks of unplanned vacation in Seattle due to a family emergency and ending with one of the worst weeks at work that I've ever had. Hopefully I will start posting on a more regular basis now. Here's my first yoga skeleton drawing in June.

Matyasana

fish pose
Yoga Skeleton X

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Yoga Skeleton IX

This was probably my toughest yoga skeleton drawing to date.

Eka Pada Sirsasanaone foot to head pose

previous yoga skeletons.

I got a few posts I haven't finished yet. A piece on yoga and back pain...The Thirteen Homicidal Clowns That You Should BE AFRAID of...Another post on Sequels and Remakes.

I'll have one out of the pipes this weekend.

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