Thursday, March 19, 2009


I noticed that while I have been spending time with articles on yoga, which is one of the two main topics for this blog, I hadn't really spent any time on articles pertaining Heavy Metal Music. I have decided that I am going to be starting a new weekly post on HEADBANGER HAZARDS. These posts will cover several (hopefully comical) conditions that could afflict a Heavy Metal star or die hard follower.

I have chosen to use CRABS as the topic of my first Headbanger Hazard post and I am reserving other STDs for future posts.

Crabs are a universal for the touring heavy metal band, and I have yet to meet a band that has not had them run through at least one or two of their members. I even knew a punk band where all the members caught crabs from crashing at a groupie's place. The bassist and guitarist caught crabs from sleeping with the groupie and her friend, while the drummer only caught crabs from sleeping on her couch. They vowed that it would be their last trip to Spokane, and their performances were greatly hindered for the next few nights, as they missed riffs and whimpered to the itching in their groins.
Crabs is a horrible affliction to heavy metal. If you are a headbanger going to a concert with crabs, you will not be doing much moshing. If, on the other hand the band that you're going to see has crabs, hopefully you get pretty wasted before the show, as they are not going to be playing their best as they try to casually itch their nether regions. The pain that they suffer from the crabs effectively wussifies their demonic lyrics as they whimper more than growl. The riffs will not be clean, and the band will not be syncing up very well. I've seen more metal shows that were killed by crabs. Thankfully I usually had the needs to get drunk / stoned enough to enjoy the show. (I have even been able to enjoy Jam Bands with enough of a buzz.
Sadly, I had my encounter with these little demon bugs when I wasn't in a band, way back in high school. They really will ruin your week. Thankfully I also didn't have any concerts to go to.
Crabs can ruin a concert, but thankfully they won't ruin your life.


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Heavy Metal Yogi by Nick Matthaes is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.